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Young Writers Society



Magic remains- chapter 1

by Blue Fairy


hope you like it:

Tally sat on her windowsill pondering over the amount of time it would take for her three sugar filled cousins and twin brother to thunder into the house after her mum called them for dinner. The aromatic scents drifted lazily up to Tally’s attic bedroom, mimicking the clouds outside on that hot summers day. Being an award winning catering chef often meant that her mum created delicious meals. This was quite handy for the many people that were always straying in and out of the house. Tally propped herself up higher. It was her calm and simple paradise; to perch like a cat on her windowsill with a warm, sunny glow on her face.

‘Thunck’.

'Moment of paradise over'. A red ball bounced off Tally’s head and rolled across the carpet.

“Thanks Tom” Tally muttered as she uncurled her legs and seized the ball before it disappeared under her bed. Tom was Tally’s immature twin brother. His hair was blondy- brown, his eyes a much lighter green then Tally’s. People in the streets often assumed that the twins were lovingly angelic rather then detesting each others company. Tally sighed and leant out the window.

“Can I have my ball back?” Tom shouted from the garden.

There was a squeal from behind him. They both glanced at the source of the noise. Their cousins May, Anna and Rich all seemed to have already forgotten about the ball. Tally raised her eyebrows haughtily.

“What do you think?” she said.

She shut her window. As she did so there was a shout from four floors below.

“Dinner!”

The four children in the garden were off like a shot through the patio doors. Tally smiled as she heard the clatter into chairs. She dropped the ball back onto her carpet and left. On the floor below she bumped into her older brother, Alex. He was sixteen, three years older then Tally. Alex spent most of his time either in his room or out with his friends. Tally's friends always remarked on how mysterious and handsome he was. Tom tried to model himself as a smaller, blonder version of his brother.

“You alright?” Alex mumbled.

Tally stared up at him and frowned.

“Do you really care?”

Alex paused and pretended to think. He looked down at her.

"No,” he replied bluntly.

Not troubled by her brother’s lack of care, Tally skipped down the stairs, Alex slouched behind. In the spacious, modern kitchen, the family sat at a large white table tucking into an Italian dinner made by Tally’s mum. She had been brought up in Italy and hadn’t moved to their swanky London house until Alex was born. Tally scanned the room from her spot halfway down the stairs. Her dad still wasn’t back. For the past two weeks he had been in the south of France on a business trip.

“I take it your eating there then?” came a sarcastic voice from above her.

Alex nudged Tally aside and took a seat at the table. She followed him and was about to sit down between Rich and Anna when the doorbell rang.

“Oh can you get the door please?” Tally’s mum asked.

Tally skidded across the glossy, white tiles, along the hallway and to the front door. She unlocked the latch and let it swing inwards. On her doorstep was her aunt and two of the most stuck up cousins in the whole of England. Beatrix and Priscilla. They observed the rest of the family as scum but were too well trained to say anything unless it invloved them. Tally dreaded to think what they would be like when they were older. Maybe there was hope they wouldn’t turn out like there mum, Aunt Esmerelda. She was dressed in a beige skirt and jacket with a pale pink shirt underneath. Tally hoped she was hiding her disgust as they stalked inside in a single file line.

“Take my coat Tallulah, where are your manners?” Aunt Esmerelda snapped at Tally.

Tally grimaced at being called by her proper name.

Beatrix and Pricilla were lead into the kitchen like show horses by their mum. Tally shut the door and leant against it, shutting her eyes.


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Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:47 pm
Sleeping Valor wrote a review...



They observed the rest of the family as scum but were too well trained not to say anything that involved anything that wasn’t about them.


The way you wrote this sentence makes it sound like you're saying that their training makes them only talk about themselves, but from the context I get the impression you meant that they were trained not to gossip about others.

"...but were too well trained not to say anything that was not about them." <-- I'm pretty sure that's a double negative. Maybe try and get it down to just one 'not' by simplifying the phrase.

My only other suggestion is that you space out the paragraphs more by pressing enter again. With them all pressed up together it's harder to follow. Otherwise nice story! You use detail really well and that helps bring it to life. :D




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Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:09 pm
Blue Fairy says...



i have now edited and improved my story with the critque.
thank you.

please keep reviewing it :)


Fairy




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Wed Jan 02, 2008 12:25 pm
Rubric wrote a review...



“pondering aimlessly”
You can’t really ponder aimlessly.

“calm and simple paradise to perch like a cat”
Calm and simple paradise; to perch like a cat

“Moment of paradise over.”
I think that if you want to keep this sentence, you should make it Tally’s thought. If you do, perhaps italicise it.

“immature Twin brother”
You don’t need this capitalisation

“People in the streets mostly assumed”
People in the streets often assumed

“model himself as a smaller, blonder version of him.”
model himself as a smaller, blonder version of Alex (or ‘his brother’)

“…………….No,”
“...No,”
The extra......... adds nothing

“She happened to have been brought up in Italy”
She had been brought up in Italy
You make it sound unlikely, even lucky

“Oh can you get the door please?”
“Oh, can you get the door please?”

“She unlocked the latch and let it swing inwards.”
She unlocked the latch and let the door swing inwards

I love the relationships you’ve already managed to develop so well between the members of the family. Congrats and keep trying!




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Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:43 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



I'm liking it. Just a couple of things.

Her description of Alex: He was quite handsome and mysterious: well that was how Tally’s friends thought of him. Perhaps you should switch that sentence round a bit, otherwise it sounds kind of...incestuous, the way she says that's what her friends thought almost like an afterthought :).

And I think it's spelt Priscilla, I could be wrong though.




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Tue Jan 01, 2008 5:32 pm
Blue Fairy says...



thanks midnight

the sentence about them moving To london: i haven't made it very clear but I meant there mum moved to London so they would have lived there for three years by the time the twins were born.

I will edit that to make it more clear

and tally and tom were born on the same day.

Fairy :D




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Mon Dec 31, 2007 11:15 pm
MidnightVampire wrote a review...



I liked this. Space out your paragraphs though, it helps people read. So it would be paragraph enter paragraph. It says (I'm typing it because I can't get the stupid quotes to work) : She happened to have lived in Italy until they moved to their swanky london house when Alex was born.
If alex was 3 years older than tally, isn't that impossible, because she wouldn't have been born until three years after they moved to London?

It says (in the description of Alex):
He was 16, three years older than tally and tom.

Just say: He was 16, three years older than Tally. You don't need the Tom part because they're twins, so they're born within the same day, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong, because its nice to know if that's true.

I like it, sorry that isn't much of a critique, I give really short ones.





ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina